Happy For Being Happy!

11:26 PM

Today I woke up realized I'm home and felt okay even lately I always wake up feel sad, feel lonely and so anxious. I thought I was so mad, but I don't even know mad at who or what. It's like I keep everything so deep. Always said 'it's fine' even it's not. I miss talk to someone without being judge . someone who never say: 'you should forget everything', 'you should move on' , 'you crying over him? really?'. I took every jokes so well, even it's so hurt. Just because, I want to act as sane as possible.

Am I so sad about the last broke-up thing? Very. I felt so dumb and it hitted me so hard. And slowly, the pains turns into hate. Do I hate him? I guess, ya. I just hate 'it' happens. I always ask myself 'why?' because it was so hard to reach him just to ask 'Why?'. 'Why you came back just to hurt me for the second time?' Seriously I hate it. But some friend warned me to keep calm and just pray to God everything will be fine. Ya, my friend was right. God know what the best for us. I've never plan anything. Because for me when it happens, it happens. I do not plan my relationship, my next lover, or anything. It should happen when everything feels right and falls into place. So, how to make me happy again? Do I have my standard of happiness? My last relationship came when I felt so incredibly good and in my happiest time I've ever felt. Goofing with friends, traveling, take care of myself, always missing home, do some drawing and about to plan my future because I'm in my almost-thesis-period. But he came and I thought it will work that time. But unfortunately not. When some people see what happened in my past life as a misfortune and I'm starting to believe in it too,and BOOM, I start my own pity party when I supposed to be grateful for my life. Actually, I didn't know what happiness feels like and now I figure it out. Happiness is like this. I have an awesome life and learned so many things. It's nice when knowing that I'm not fit to anyone's standard happiness. And now I know that I should never betray my own standard and lower myself  to 'keep' anyone that doesn't belong in my life and make me unhappy.

Good things, having my own (as always) time with myself let me learn what I want in life. What my soul actually needs, and once I figure it out, I know I will respect myself even more. I even make some plans for myself and for my future, Ya, you know, when we alone we didn't need anybody's approval. So cheers to Korean Drama or HBO with a bunch of your favorite chips on Saturday night, have movie-date with your friends, eating anything I want and start a diet anytime I want without being judge 'lame' for either eating too much or avoiding carbs. 

Good thing from all of this is I start to make plans. Like, I’m thinking about wake up more early and do something for my healthy and go to bed early. Need to reduce some night-out time that can make me stay up late and eat more. I need to start my diet as soon as possible because I don’t even feel comfort anymore with my body, too heavy and too much aches. And, I’m thinking about my career and what I will do in the future. Plans. Ya, I’m not teenager anymore. I’m 23 and life’s not a joke. Start doing my plans sounds good. :)

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